My Fairy Tale
A tale as old as time,
true as it can be,
barely even friends
then somebody bends
unexpectedly
Just a little change
small, to say the least
both a little scared
neither one prepared
…..beauty and the beast
Ever just the same
ever a surprise
ever as before
ever just as sure
as the sun will rise
Tale as old as time
tune as old as song
bittersweet and strange
finding you can change
learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast…
My tale is no different than many of yours. Love stories are kind of like testimonies, everyone has one. When god does something for us we are so excited to share our blessings we tell it in church, at the doctors office, at the grocery store, yes even at Wal Mart. Well love stories are no different. We want to tell everyone we meet. After all…We were created to serve God, but God still wants you to enjoy life and to have someone to share life with.
1 Timothy 6:17 NIV
Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.
When it’s a love story from God, well thats double the fun. We are gonna tell it! To everyone! So many of you have carried my burdens with me; some of you have carried them for me, I will never ever be able to repay you all for the love, support and prayers that have been offered on my families behalf. But I feel like I owe you all “the rest of the story”…..My story.
As with anyone when you lose a spouse you wonder how you can ever go on living…but you do. Often times it is the repetitive movement of breathing in and out that helps us survive. But survive we do. Then we go from wondering can we go on living to, can we ever love again. I was blessed to have had that conversation with Danny. With a terminal diagnosis of cancer it gives all those involved time to say everything. We had that talk. Yes, he wanted me to move on. And Just thinking back to that day brings tears to my eyes because in that instant it was like time was standing still; How does a heart love another? It was difficult to even think much less talk about. Not until last month when I was faced with a decision to move on and live or stay where I was and suffocate did I learn that not only did Danny and I have that conversation but Danny had that conversation with Tanner. He told him about one month before he died that he wanted me to move and and when I did he was supposed to make sure he was good to me good to my kids. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough that was for Danny to tell Tanner, and just as equally hard for Tanner to hear it. When someone dies there is no replacing them. We don’t even try. I didn’t try. I just wanted someone to share with. Share laughter, share dinner, share life. Plain and simple. I was tired of being alone. When I went to Hawaii that felt like the whole reason for my trip. I felt like God was telling me now is the time…move forward. So when I came back I decided thats exactly what I was going to do. But how? So I said “God if thats what I am to do…you have to do it!” God has done so much for me from little to huge. Why should I worry about it? So my first day back to work I had a patient who suggested I go out with her brother. Coincidence? I think not! After all this is God we are talking about. And thats exactly what I thought, this must be God. So I tossed the idea around. Saying you are ready to move on and actually moving on are entirely different things. I was in the nurses station tossing this idea around to the other nurses. And while I am telling them about my patient, Michael Neal just so happens to be there. Listening. He goes back to his desk and then comes back and says, “I think you need to tell your patient to mind their own business!” and then leaves! Alrighty then! Ten minutes later here he comes again, “can I talk to you?”, OK
He says, “What if I was going to ask you out?”……and here we are.
1st Corinthians 13:4-7 says Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, It does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. In other words….Love never fails!
Its funny how God works. He doesn’t just work on my problems, he worked on Michaels too. When I prayed for someone to love, I prayed for specifics, I prayed for a godly man. I have been trying to get Michael back into church since I started at RMC 2 years ago. No luck. So I prayed for him, because thats what we do when we are burdened for someones soul. We can’t do much, but God can. So he asks, “what are you doing Sunday?” wait for it…wait for it…
“Duh Michael…Its Sunday I’m going to church!” In order to be serious about me you have to be serious about God! I set standards for myself, I think we all do. We do that by past experiences. We eliminate certain things because we were once hurt by them. So I asked him to church and he accepted. See God can perform miracles. Church, Panera Bread, and a long walk. Perfect date…No hand holding- no kiss- that was weird. Baby steps. Does a person ever set out to fall in love? Some people I have met fall in love with falling in love. I liked being in love, I like commitment and what it means…til death do us part. I just don’t like the death part. And because of the death part, falling in love was scary. I thought I was safe because Michael made me laugh. He was funny, he was nice, he was safe. That first date was fun. Nothing awkward except church. In a church that only knew Trish and Danny it felt different even to me to be Trish and Michael…but our church has so many new faces the majority of them didn’t know Trish and Danny, all they have known is Trish; sad only one on her pew. So that hurdle was crossed. It was all uphill from there. To say you don’t have control over who your heart loves is an understatement. I had no intention of falling in love. I wanted to laugh and have fun. But hiding behind a lot of laughter was a serious side of Michael that I didn’t expect to find. Well, it didn’t take long for me to fall in love. After all we were already best friends. How many times did I cry on his shoulder in the last 2 years about my lost love? How many times did he help me grieve? He knew my deepest fears and my deepest sorrows. He knew what a mess I was but here he came with an outstretched hand saying will you take a chance. And I have to say after that first date, the anticipation of that first date rather, there was nothing awkward. It felt as comfortable as an old shoe. Only now we were a pair. For someone to be single for 51 years and all of a sudden say….hmmmmm I think I want to settle down now! Makes a person wonder. But then I remember all of Gods promises to me and Michael as well. Here is a man who lost his dad at an early age, surrounded by sisters and a mother trying to provide for her children, much like me. He stayed by her side, cared for her until she could no longer fight her battle of cancer. Thats been 6 years. 6 years he has lost his only companion he ever knew. His best friend. So for whatever reason God brought us together 2 years ago at RMC, I am thankful. He put me in Michaels path everyday. The crazy red headed nurse with multiple personalities that needed a friend and he was there. Six months ago we thought maybe we would go out. Just for fun. He wasn’t ready, neither was I. It didn’t happen. I was scared, he was terrified. After Hawaii things changed. I changed. I let go of a lot of my past. I didn’t forget it. But I let it go and there is freedom and a new sense of life that comes with that. A lighter step, instead of walking on egg shells I sometimes feel as if I’m walking on stars…dancing from star to star.
Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans
2 Corinthians 5:7 We walk by faith not by sight
Walk a mile in my shoes….and in the last 3 years I have walked many miles. I have worn out many shoes. I have wondered not worried, about what people have thought about every decision I have made; Every minor decision every major decision. Many people have come and gone in my life. Some have come to stay and feel like they have always been there. Others barely cross my path but God has put them there for a reason. Perhaps a word; a smile; a change of path. Only God knows and I embrace it. I learn from it and move on. There are so many questions….Some easy to answer . Am I in love with Michael? yes Is Michael in love with Trish? Yes, Does it seem like its way to fast? Sometimes yes Does it seem like it took forever? Sometimes yes. Does it seem like a fairy tale come true? Sometimes yes Does it seem like God has answered our prayers? In his time not ours? Yes…always
If I let myself think back over the last 5 years they are all a blur. Daddy died March 2010, Mommy died Dec 2010, Danny started getting sick Jan 2011, his illness and eventual death Aug 2012 and then the last 3 years grieving and wondering what next, how do I go on? And through it all always praying always expecting alway hoping. So I should not be surprised when He aligns the stars, even the ones I am dancing on, for me and Michael to proceed to the next chapter of our life. Happy and whole. Happiness is a funny thing. We don’t always feel like we deserve it. We feel like its for someone else. Sometimes we are just afraid of it. But I had happiness once. I embraced it. I took it for granted. I was lazy about it. I thought it would always be there. This time as happiness knocks on my door I am inviting it in. I feel like it is fragile. I want to embrace it but at the same time I am afraid it will disappear, I am afraid that death will once again show up just because it can. We see death everyday, every one of us young and old. Some more serious than others but it is still death. As children we see death of plants, pets, and some even see parents and siblings die. We all know its a circle of life but it never ever prepares us when it's our turn. Either to lose that loved one or if it's actually our turn to die. The one thing I have prayed for and received is peace with the departure. You never get over it, you never stop missing them, your heart always aches for that special smile or that look or that word-always! But God can give you peace. He has given me peace. And in my heart there will always be a place called Trish and Danny. When I look at my kids there is no denying the love and life we had. Our church, our community; the mark we left as a couple will always go on in someones memory, heart and thats how it should be. Just because you lose a partner, or parent or sibling that does not mean love dies. It is temporarily suspended. But God is so good and merciful and he loves us so much he wants only good for us. He waited for just the right moment and sent Michael my way. Michael has his own story to tell, how he got where he did. You don’t go along 51 years and never marry and just wake up one day and say “yes today is the day I think I will marry Trish!” God does miracles but more to the story….our story. I have always been fascinated with fairy tales. When I was young my sister Ruth bought me a fairy tale book, I still have it. I could hide away in the pages of the story and my imagination would take me places. It wasn’t always about love, but there was always an adventure. Life is an adventure. Sometimes when death interrupts life you stop living, your adventure stops. I found myself retreating into pages of a fairytale. I could feel safe there. I looked for love, happiness all those things you find in a fairytale. Then I noticed myself turning from the fairy tale book to the Bible. Thats where my adventure really was. God had everything laid out for me. And it was real. Jeremiah 29:1 He promised me he had a plan and I have held so tight to that promise that I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me recite it. Before Danny died when someone would ask me my favorite verse I would say I don’t have one. They are all good verses. Everyone! Now…I have certain verses that have brought me out of a lot of despair and darkness. Without those verses I don’t know how I would've made it. God would send what I needed when I needed it. I could feel hi speak those words as if he was right beside me.
Isaiah 40:31 is another verse that has brought me so much comfort. Wait upon the Lord to renew your strength and then soar like eagles. The word of God is so alive, it amazes me every time I read a scripture and it affects me! It is working out my problems my trials at that moment. these are worlds that were spoken so long ago but it is still alive today! If we wait on Gods time He saves us the best. Sometimes we go through so much pain and then we add the pain of waiting…it seems we will never bounce back. But we do. God sends exactly what we need. In my case he sent Michael at exactly the right time. Gods time. It doesn’t make the last few years fade or change them in anyway, but it does change how I view the future…my future…our future…Trish and Michael!