Saturday, February 22, 2014

Happy Birthday Danny!









As I put on my tennis shoes I could feel the excitement of warm
temperatures and the sun on my face and feeling the familiar breeze blow
through my soul.  Out the door and the
dogs are so excited to be headed down the familiar pavement.  I put my ear buds in, tune my music to David
Phelps whose words and music have been talking to my spirit.  My eyes saw the same familiar land marks;
houses, buildings, signs, mailboxes, even bushes and trees remained the
same.  Yet I felt the need to document
that.  I had to take a picture, for
myself, so I could look back on this day and say I enjoyed it.  I lived it, every second of it.  That is pretty much the way I am looking at
life right now.  Last year at this time
the day approached and I celebrated within. 
I remembered the life that was there and that was enough.  The boxes from his office are still stacked
up where Gladys brought them.  Last Feb I
decided to go through all that stuff. 
That’s when I found the passage from the Purpose Driven Life, by Rick
Warren.


Happy Moments-Praise
God


Difficult
Moments-Seek God


Quiet Moments-Worship
God


Painful Moments-Trust
God


Every Moment-Thank
God


Right there in his planner where he had jotted it down.  Needless to say that was a painful moment-trust God!   And that was enough.  I shut the book, left the boxes and there
they still sit.  It’s been another
year.  Maybe I will revisit those
boxes.  Make it an annual event.  I have no doubt he has more to tell me. I
need more of those quiet moments-
worship God
.  So that was last year.  Let’s see, 2 years ago at this time Feb 2012,
he had a birthday celebration, 49.  So
young.  He felt good.  He smiled. 
He laughed.  He loved.  He lived. 
He grabbed life with all his strength and all his might.  He held as tightly as he could and many tried
to help him hold on but it wasn’t enough. 
The idea of being cancer free is one of those things that you have to
snatch and celebrate to the fullest because you just don’t know how long it
will last. But that is true with all of life. 
You wake up to a happy family, kids, wife, husband, jobs, health, and in
an instant, a blink of an eye it’s gone. 
A car wreck, loss of job that devastates a family causing depression or
even suicide, happens instantly.  Divorce
happens when you least expect it, your spouse is loving one day but maybe dying
on the inside, but do you notice?  Life
is busy, I know, but you have to take time to nurture the things that are
important to you and the most important things are relationships.  If you have someone that is willing to stick
with you, trudge through the weeds, briars, muck, treat them with
tenderness.  Love them and most of all
forgive them because in life we are going to mess up.  That’s a given.  That would be a difficult time-seek God.


After that birthday celebration 2 years ago we went back to
UVA for just a “routine” CT scan.  Well
when you have had cancer, nothing is ever routine.  There of course was an enlarged lymph node
right smack dab in the middle of his chest. 
But you know when they say stuff like that it just doesn’t sink in.  Even being a nurse and dissecting everything
when you sit in that room and you feel good and it’s routine, it’s like
really?  Nah!  Let’s repeat it!  But no, that was our worst fear.  In the lungs and after having surgeries, radiation,
and chemo you think he would give up and say, OK I’m done.  But that wasn’t who he was.  He always had hope. Even when there was no
hope for healing he had hope in Christ Jesus. And he was OK with it all.  He had the hope and promise that, yes, we
would be together again.  In
eternity.  That will be my happy moment-praise God.  As I walked and thought of all these things,
the different avenues that life takes each of us, I decided I had to celebrate
his life.  The 49 years he was here he
touched so many lives.  Most of all
mine.  I completed my walk and as I
stopped at the mailbox to see what treasures awaited me I could feel a catch in
my throat as I saw the envelope on top, Addressed only to me from WVU.  As I looked at the envelope with only my name
on it many thoughts went through my mind. 
I knew this day was going to come, Emily’s White Coat Ceremony.  I knew I was getting an invitation in the
mail, but what I didn’t know was how I was going to feel simply seeing it in
the mailbox.  Danny and I started many
things in life; some we finished some we didn’t.  Our kids were all mid stream when he
left.  But he laid the ground work, left
the instructions; Just the same as when my mom and dad left me four years
ago.  Because I felt like I was in mid stream.  I wasn’t done with mommy and all of her
knowledge of children and daddy’s life wisdom. 
But they left instructions.  I
refer to the manual.  The Bible they read
and followed with their life.  The same
manual Danny left.  As I opened that invitation
at the edge of the road on this very sunny beautiful almost spring day I
cried.  Tears because life hurts.  Tears because Emily wasn’t going to be able
to have her daddy there cheering her on. 
Tears because this is one of those BIG things we started but didn’t get
to finish.  Tears because I realized this
was the first major thing we were having without him.  Tears for the things that would come and he
won’t be there to share.  Tanner’s
graduation, Jacob’s graduation, grandchildren. 
All things we started but would not get to finish with him…here on
earth; Tanners wedding, Jacobs’s first love…growing old together.  As I looked to the Heavens the sky was so
blue, the sun on my face dried my tears and was so warm.  I was reminded God always keeps his promises.  The only thing missing was my rainbow!  But just as I know God finishes what He
starts so I will finish what Danny and I started…our family.  As we move on and grow we will carry him in
our hearts, our smiles, our big events, like graduations, marriages,
grandchildren; but also we will carry him in our small events, our daily
events.  Every morning when I get out of
bed, there he is.  When I see a child
there he is.  When I watch a football
game he’s there.  When I go to the
grocery store and walk down the aisle of peanut butter or Kraft Macaroni and
cheese, he is there!  You can’t love
someone and mourn them forever.  I know
he’s in a better place and I can’t wait to see his face!  Then hear him say what took you so long?  So no more do I mourn, but rejoice and
celebrate what he was.  I want to
celebrate who he was.  He lived quietly
touching the hearts and lives of many, but mostly mine and our children.  I know we will finish everything we
started.  We will finish the same race
that he ran.  But right now, we are
looking at our manual, getting out our instruction book and digging our heels
in.  We still have work to do and I am
reminded tonight of a verse that has inspired me, helped me, and has helped me
to help others.  A burden shared is a
burden lifted.


Galatians 6:2


Carry each other’s
burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.


And that is what you my friends and family have done for
us.  With every encouraging word, every
smile every tear you have cried with us, every time you remember Danny I want
you to remember his love for life and his family and his God!  And that will be every moment-Thank God.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Windex


When you gaze out your window what do you see?  Today I see 2 feet of snow, the blustery wind blowing the dead tree limbs; reminds me of Winnie the Pooh.  I see cars creeping on my road, snowflakes blurring by as if in a hurry to go somewhere.  Everything is clean and pure…or so it seems.  There is a curve in the road that I can see, but I don’t see beyond that.  I don’t know what’s on the other side.   In my mind I see the garden with all of its left overs from fall that Jacob left there.  I believe the tiller is there still.  Also in my mind I see the tree that fell during the Derecho that Clarence cut up but is still laying there.  But with the snow all is beautiful, untouched almost magical.  All of those little snowflakes in a hurry flying past my window found a home. 

Now the sun is shining, same snow, different window.  There is a hawk flying, soaring, and gliding with the wind.  He looks as if he is floating not caring where he lands, just content to be.  Like someone else is guiding him but he has complete trust with the plan.  Now out my window the horizon is dotted with people; People moving swiftly in the snow as if to music in their mind.  Some moving swiftly in the snow, as if to music in their mind.  Some moving ever so slowly that I have to wonder is there any music at all.  Life’s a dance, there is always music and there will always be dancers.  As I danced down the tubing slope my mind and world began to whirl, and that was before I started to spin.  By the time I made it to the bottom, nausea had gripped me and I was very unsteady on my feet, head still swirling much like the aftermath of my car wreck.  So I moved inside and decided to resume my gazing from windows.  I watched as folks came down slopes on skis actually landing on their feet while others wiped out halfway down but they all eventually rested at the same place…the bottom.  I enjoyed chatting with the kids as they came in frozen to tell of their adventures all pretty much the same; you go up, you go down but yet uniquely different.  Each time they learned something new, Pull the scarf this way or hold the tube that way, dig the boot in at just the right time, made slipping down the slippery slope much easier and yes even more comfortable.  I sat by the fire, making new friends, some this was their first ever outing, and others a yearly treat, like ours.  Many church groups, lots of kids, lots of adults, lots of winter gear, boots, gloves, scarves, and masks.

As I watched from afar I tried to pick out members of our group but it was impossible.  Everyone looked essentially the same.  So I just watched them all.  I thought of my own life as I watched others.  Sometimes I feel like I am looking out my own window; the window of my soul.  Sometimes I feel disconnected even though it is happening to me.  I often just feel like an observer or bystander.  My head hurts, I’m confused or I should say I know what I want to say but I can’t get it out.  I can almost see the words but can’t get them out of my mouth.  So I act it out.  I eventually get the message across but Geez…As I look out the window of my soul I see things that look good and clean and pure just like as the snow covers everything, but deep down I know reality.  Things are messy and even dirty if you look close enough.  And just like the tiller that shouldn’t be there in my garden there is stuff in my heart that needs put away.  There is a place for it, but it isn’t there…in my heart where it gets in the way of my relationship with Christ.  Just like the snow, Jesus’ blood has covered all that stuff; made it pure and clean.  And as the hawk glides in the sky, floats along, that’s what I want to do.  I just want to spread my wings and glide this way and that way knowing the Heavenly Father is guiding me.  He has a plan for me just as I have quoted so many times in Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 9:14 He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge.

As I watched that bird glide with his wings stretched wide I could imagine finding rest in the arms of the Father.  No matter the circumstance, no matter what, I know He is going to open those arms and welcome me to come into His embrace.  He knows my path, my plan.

Psalm 62:2  He alone is my Rock and my salvation my fortress; I shall never be shaken.

My window sometimes becomes difficult to see out of.  It gets a film over it or becomes streaked; sometimes things are clear as I look and sometimes blurry.  But as I think of Jesus and all that he has done for me it all becomes clear.  Jesus is like the Windex for the window to my soul.  He cleans it up, removes the film.  He sees my heart all the way through the muck.  He sees through the cracks in the window panes.  He sees through the streaks where I have tried to fix my life myself, he looks past all that and sees himself because that’s who lives there.  This is what I have to do, we all have to do.  After we invite him in we have to let Him be the Windex, we have to stop trying to be the window washer on our own because we can’t do it.  He loves us, God loves us.  We are his little children.  We can get our finger prints, smudges, all over it but just let him clean it.  After all God is in control.  He knows the plan.  We just need to be the bird, float and glide, and like all birds do, we may crash into an occasional window, leave behind a little residue but that’s OK because God is in the clean up business.  He makes it all shiny! 

As we left that night I glanced out the window of the truck one last time.  I saw the empty slopes with nothing but tracks where we all had been.  Places we fell, but got back up. Places we wiped out but recovered.  There was fresh snow falling to cover it all, the lights along the top of the ridge illuminating it all, very sparkly and clean.  So like the way Jesus’ blood has covered all the tracks of our life, our sin.  We get back up and when we wipe out we recover. I hope in the tracks of our own life it will be like it was on that mountain.  If I fall I hope someone will stretch out a hand to help me up.  And if I am the one passing by I hope God gives me the grace to stop and help you up.  Jesus is the light that illuminates our life, the hills, and the valleys.  He is the light at every corner and every curve.  And unlike when I look out my window and see that curve in the road not knowing what lies ahead, I know what lies ahead of my life with Christ Jesus.   He is there Waiting on me, Ready to hold my hand, and wipe my tears.  Ready to just love me, no matter what.

The love of God so rich and pure, how measureless and strong.  It shall forever more endure, the saints and angels song.

1 John 4:16  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them.