With This Ring...

Mystery…love is a mystery. How we love is mysterious, how we fall in love is mysterious. Sometimes all it takes is a touch of the hand or maybe it is the look across the room. Sometimes it is complicated. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes all we have to do is follow our heart; always follow God. How did I fall in love with you? That in itself is a mystery. Were there fireworks? Was there a moment? Do I know exactly when my heart spoke to yours? No…but I know when my stomach was so full of butterflies that I couldn’t eat. I know when my hands were sweaty and I was afraid to hold your hand. Is this what love feels like? Sometimes I wonder what exactly does love feel like…You make me feel safe and secure. Is this love? Yes…

With this ring I thee wed…easy words right? For someone who has never been married before those words are a mystery. You think you know what that band around the finger means but until you have loved that person for better or worse that ring is just that…a ring. For those of us who have been married and it ended like mine…death…not divorce…you know the better and you know the worse. When I stand across from Michael his is the mystery, mine is; will you love me through better or worse, good or bad, sickness and health…because I know it will come. That is the scariest part of saying I Do, knowing those bad days lurch there amongst the good ones. But can we hide behind that as an excuse? Do we protect ourselves from the harsh moments we know are out there? The sad days when our spouse hurts so we hurt with them. Or the mad days when we don’t like each other very much but we look at that band on our finger and we know God put us together, and yes this too shall pass. Because even though I know in my heart I love Michael with every ounce of me there will be days he will annoy me so bad I want to trade him in…and believe me He will have those some days. The circle of life…full circle…thats the band around my finger…or will be come Saturday. So many emotions, happiness, fear, terror, yes I’m scared to death. Nervousness…I’m afraid everything won’t be perfect. In all honestly I wanted to run off or maybe it was really run away. If we had run off, short and sweet, I would not have to feel many of those emotions. I could leave them buried where they could surface later on in marriage lets say our first fight! That would be good! But no, as I sit here wondering will there be enough room to park, enough food, enough cake, will anyone even show up? Will my dress fit? And as of now…no it doesn’t. Thanks to prednisone, but I’m thinking there must be a reason for that too. I just have to relax and let God do his thing. And let Michael do his. Let him enjoy the mystery of what will be. Because in all truth that’s exactly what life is, it's a mystery. We don’t know what lies ahead for any of us. We know there will be ups and downs, laughter and tears, heartbreaks and fears. There will be life and eventually at some point there will be death. I have been blessed, my family has been blessed, to have had such a wonderful man and dad as Danny to our 3 children to share the first half of my life with. God has not sent Michael to us to replace him but to carry on…to share, to love, to live; a hand to hold through the good times and that same hand to hold through the bad. When I get to welcome my first grandchild into this big wide world I want Michael there beside me with all the love I know he has to give a child. And he will, just like he has given that love to my children. Thats what families do. And when Michael says I Do or I reckon, which is what he said he was saying, thats what he is getting; Not a wife, but a family. One that has been broken, wounded, scarred; but with Gods guidance and his timing God is mending us. I have seen it in the last 3 months as we have family dinners, as we sit on the porch and talk about nothing and everything. As we sit at the table and tell funny stories and I listen to giggles of teenagers that I haven’t heard for 3 years, visits to Charleston just to share our life and hers. So when Pastor Vince says the rings please! That is a powerful statement!

When we first were engaged, everyone wanted to see the engagement ring. Well there is no engagement ring. My engagement ring is locked up in a safe. On my first anniversary after Danny died I went to the tattoo parlor got my first tattoo-EVER! Inside of my left ring finger. Closed heart with his heart beat down my finger. That replaced my wedding rings. I took them off. So when Michael asked me to marry him I knew I didn’t want an engagement ring. I wanted INK-permanent-even in death. So on the other side of that ring finger is an open heart with the infinity symbol. Two chapters of my life, one closed the other open. So when Michael slips that band on my finger and we say those words, with this ring I thee wed…that ring will encompass all of me, my closed chapter that Michael has so willingly accepted and has become a part of even before it was closed and yes then his open chapter that remains a mystery. The wedding band, circle of life, full circle…

Matthew 19:6 What God has joined together let not man separate.

Rehearsal cookout!

Just a reminder. Cookout at church 7pm!! Friday night!!

My Fairy Tale...August 1st 2pm

My Fairy Tale

A tale as old as time,

true as it can be,

barely even friends

then somebody bends

unexpectedly

Just a little change

small, to say the least

both a little scared

neither one prepared

…..beauty and the beast

Ever just the same

ever a surprise

ever as before

ever just as sure

as the sun will rise

Tale as old as time

tune as old as song

bittersweet and strange

finding you can change

learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun

Certain as the sun

Rising in the east 

Tale as old as time

Song as old as rhyme

Beauty and the Beast…

My tale is no different than many of yours.  Love stories are kind of like testimonies, everyone has one.  When god does something for us we are so excited to share our blessings we tell it in church, at the doctors office, at the grocery store, yes even at Wal Mart.  Well love stories are no different.  We want to tell everyone we meet.  After all…We were created to serve God, but God still wants you to enjoy life and to have someone to share life with.

1 Timothy 6:17 NIV

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

When it’s a love story from God, well thats double the fun.  We are gonna tell it!  To everyone!  So many of you have carried my burdens with me; some of you have carried them for me, I will never ever be able to repay you all for the love, support and prayers that have been offered on my families behalf. But I feel like I owe you all “the rest of the story”…..My story.

As with anyone when you lose a spouse you wonder how you can ever go on living…but you do.  Often times it is the repetitive movement of breathing in and out that helps us survive.  But survive we do.  Then we go from wondering can we go on living to, can we ever love again.  I was blessed to have had that conversation with Danny.  With a terminal diagnosis of cancer it gives all those involved time to say everything.  We had that talk.  Yes, he wanted me to move on.  And Just thinking back to that day brings tears to my eyes because in that instant it was like time was standing still; How does a heart love another?  It was difficult to even think much less talk about.  Not until last month when I was faced with a decision to move on and live or stay where I was and suffocate did I learn that not only did Danny and I have that conversation but Danny had that conversation with Tanner.  He told him about one month before he died that he wanted me to move and and when I did he was supposed to make sure he was good to me good to my kids.  I can’t even begin to imagine how tough that was for Danny to tell Tanner, and just as equally hard for Tanner to hear it.  When someone dies there is no replacing them.  We don’t even try.  I didn’t try.  I just wanted someone to share with.  Share laughter, share dinner, share life.  Plain and simple.  I was tired of being alone.  When I went to Hawaii that felt like the whole reason for my trip.  I felt like God was telling me now is the time…move forward.  So when I came back I decided thats exactly what I was going to do.  But how?  So I said “God if thats what I am to do…you have to do it!”  God has done so much for me from little to huge.  Why should I worry about it?  So my first day back to work I had a patient who suggested I go out with her brother.  Coincidence?  I think not!  After all this is God we are talking about.  And thats exactly what I thought, this must be God.  So I tossed the idea around.  Saying you are ready to move on and actually moving on are entirely different things.  I was in the nurses station tossing this idea around to the other nurses.  And while I am telling them about my patient, Michael Neal just so happens to be there.  Listening.  He goes back to his desk and then comes back and says, “I think you need to tell your patient to mind their own business!” and then leaves!  Alrighty then!  Ten minutes later here he comes again, “can I talk to you?”,  OK

He says, “What if I was going to ask you out?”……and here we are.

1st Corinthians 13:4-7 says Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, It does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.  In other words….Love never fails!

Its funny how God works.  He doesn’t just work on my problems, he worked on Michaels too.  When I prayed for someone  to love, I prayed for specifics, I prayed for a godly man.  I have been trying to get Michael back into church since I started at RMC 2 years ago.  No luck.  So I prayed for him, because thats what we do when we are burdened for someones soul.  We can’t do much, but God can.  So he asks, “what are you doing Sunday?”  wait for it…wait for it…

“Duh Michael…Its Sunday I’m going to church!”  In order to be serious about me you have to be serious about God!  I set standards for myself, I think we all do.  We do that by past experiences.  We eliminate certain things because we were once hurt by them.  So I asked him to church and he accepted.  See God can perform miracles.  Church, Panera Bread, and a long walk.  Perfect date…No hand holding- no kiss- that was weird.  Baby steps. Does a person ever set out to fall in love?  Some people I have met fall in love with falling in love.  I liked being in love, I like commitment and what it means…til death do us part.  I just don’t like the death part.  And because of the death part, falling in love was scary.  I thought I was safe because Michael made me laugh.  He was funny, he was nice, he was safe.  That first date was fun.  Nothing awkward except church.  In a church that only knew Trish and Danny it felt different even to me to be Trish and Michael…but our church has so many new faces the majority of them didn’t know Trish and Danny, all they have known is Trish; sad only one on  her pew.  So that hurdle was crossed.  It was all uphill from there.  To say you don’t have control over who your heart loves is an understatement.  I had no intention of falling in love.  I wanted to laugh and have fun.  But hiding behind a lot of laughter was a serious side of Michael that I didn’t expect to find.  Well, it didn’t take long for me to fall in love.  After all we were already best friends.  How many times did I cry on his shoulder in the last 2 years about my lost love?  How many times did he help me grieve?  He knew my deepest fears and my deepest sorrows.  He knew what a mess I was but here he came with an outstretched hand saying will you take a chance.  And I have to say after that first date, the anticipation of that first date rather, there was nothing awkward.  It felt as comfortable as an old shoe.  Only now we were a pair.  For someone to be single for 51 years and all of a sudden say….hmmmmm I think I want to settle down now!  Makes a person wonder.  But then I remember all of Gods promises to me and Michael as well.  Here is a man who lost his dad at an early age, surrounded by sisters and a mother trying to provide for her children, much like me.  He stayed by her side, cared for her until she could no longer fight her battle of cancer.  Thats been 6 years.  6 years he has lost his only companion he ever knew.  His best friend.  So for whatever reason  God brought us together 2 years ago at RMC, I am thankful.  He put me in Michaels path everyday.  The crazy red headed nurse with multiple personalities that needed a friend and he was there.  Six months ago we thought maybe we would go out.  Just for fun.  He wasn’t ready, neither was I.  It didn’t happen.  I was scared, he was terrified.  After Hawaii things changed.  I  changed.  I let go of a lot of my past.  I didn’t forget it.  But I let it go and there is freedom and a new sense of life that comes with that.  A lighter step, instead of walking on egg shells I sometimes feel as if I’m walking on stars…dancing from star to star.

Proverbs 16:3  Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans

2 Corinthians 5:7 We walk by faith not by sight

Walk a mile in my shoes….and in the last 3 years I have walked many miles.  I have worn out many shoes.  I have wondered not worried, about what people have thought about every decision I have made; Every minor decision every major decision.  Many people have come and gone in my life.  Some have come to stay and feel like they have always been there.  Others barely cross my path but God has put them there for a reason.  Perhaps a word; a smile; a change of path.  Only God knows and I embrace it.  I learn from it and move on.  There are so many questions….Some easy to answer .  Am I in love with Michael?  yes  Is Michael in love with Trish? Yes,  Does it seem like its way to fast?  Sometimes yes  Does it seem like it took forever?  Sometimes yes.  Does it seem like a fairy tale come true?  Sometimes yes  Does it seem like God has answered our prayers?  In his time not ours?  Yes…always  

If I let myself think back over the last 5 years they are all a blur.   Daddy died March 2010, Mommy died Dec 2010, Danny started getting sick Jan 2011, his illness and eventual death Aug 2012 and then the last 3 years grieving and wondering what next, how do I go on?  And through it all always praying always expecting alway hoping.  So I should not be surprised when He aligns the stars, even the ones I am dancing on, for me and Michael to proceed to the next chapter of our life.  Happy and whole.  Happiness is a funny thing.  We don’t always feel like we deserve it.  We feel like its for someone else.  Sometimes we are just afraid of it.  But I had happiness once.  I embraced it.  I took it for granted.  I was lazy about it.  I thought it would always be there.  This time as happiness knocks on my door I am inviting it in.  I feel like it is fragile.  I want to embrace it but at the same time I am afraid it will disappear, I am afraid that death will once again show up just because it can.  We see death everyday, every one of us young and old.  Some more serious than others but it is still death.  As children we see death of plants, pets, and some even see parents and siblings die.  We all know its a circle of life but it never ever prepares us when it's our turn.  Either to lose that loved one or if it's actually our turn to  die. The one thing I have prayed for and received is peace with the departure. You never get over it, you never stop missing them, your heart always aches for that special smile or that look or that word-always!  But God can give you peace.  He has given me peace.  And in my heart there will always be a place called Trish and Danny.  When I look at my kids there is no denying the love and life we had.  Our church, our community; the mark we left as a couple will always go on in someones memory, heart and thats how it should be.  Just because you lose a partner, or parent or sibling that does not mean love dies.  It is temporarily suspended.  But God is so good and merciful and he loves us so much he wants only good for us.  He waited for just the right moment and sent Michael my way.  Michael has his own story to tell, how he got where he did.  You don’t go along 51 years and never marry and just wake up one day and say “yes today is the day I think I will marry Trish!”  God does miracles but more to the story….our story.  I have always been fascinated with fairy tales.  When I was young my sister Ruth bought me a fairy tale book, I still have it.   I could hide away in the pages of the story and my imagination would take me places.  It wasn’t always about love, but there was always an adventure.  Life is an adventure.  Sometimes when death interrupts life you stop living, your adventure stops.  I found myself retreating into pages of a fairytale.  I could feel safe there.  I looked for love, happiness all those things you find in a fairytale.  Then I noticed myself turning from the fairy tale book to the Bible.  Thats where my adventure really was.  God had everything laid out for me.  And it was real.  Jeremiah 29:1 He promised me he had a plan and I have held so tight to that promise that I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing me recite it.  Before Danny died when someone would ask me my favorite verse I would say I don’t have one.  They are all good verses.  Everyone!  Now…I have certain verses that have brought me out of a lot of despair and darkness.  Without those verses I don’t know how I would've made it.  God would send what I needed when I needed it.  I could feel hi speak those words as if he was right beside me.

Isaiah 40:31 is another verse that has brought me so much comfort.  Wait upon the Lord to renew your strength and then soar like eagles.  The word of God is so alive, it amazes me every time I read a scripture and it affects me!  It is working out my problems my trials at that moment.  these are worlds that were spoken so long ago but it is still alive today!  If we wait on Gods time He saves us the best.  Sometimes we go through so much pain and then we add the pain of waiting…it seems we will never bounce back.  But we do.  God sends exactly what we need.  In my case he sent Michael at exactly the right time.  Gods time.  It doesn’t make the last few years fade or change them in anyway, but it does change how I view the future…my future…our future…Trish and Michael!

Wedding

Hey guys!  I'm down to the wire!  I will be posting stuff on here if that's the best place. Please chime in so I at least know if this is where I need to post stuff!  I'll post details later. 12 days.... Hard to believe! 😊 God is good❤️ of course you all know that!!

Seth Fitzwater

Michaels uncle passed away and his services are today. Yall say prayers for him!

Congratulations Trish to you and Michael! Wonderful news. Glad for you both. Julie and I will be praying for you both. Tanner, Emily, and Jacob, we will be praying for you in this as well. God knows all things and I also believe He does things in His time. I am happy for you and since Michael was a good friend of Danny and you, I believe Danny would also be happy with your decision. He would not want you to be lonely and forced to do things the rest of your life on your own . . . and your kids will eventually all leave home and you will be by yourself. And when they think about that, they will not want you to be all alone either. Michelle had seen your announcement on Facebook and told me about it. I don't do Facebook although Tarin does. I love you and wish you and Michael the best. I look forward to meeting him. David

August 1...Trish and Michael

So I am sure by now some of you have heard I am getting married August 1!  But if you haven't, I am.  I have known Michael Neal since high school.  He worked with Danny years and years ago at Express Mart.  When I came to Rainelle Medical Center he was there everyday working in the office.  When I got ready for work every morning I asked God if today was going to be the day I was going to meet the one he had planned for me.  Little did I realize the one he planned was cracking jokes at me every morning while I looked for another.  That verse in Jeremiah 29:11 that says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans not to harm you but for a hope and a future" is what I held on to.  I have waited and waited sometimes patiently...sometimes not so much.  But I always knew whatever God wanted for my life would be perfect...whether it is what I wanted or not.  When I went to Hawaii I knew it was for a reason because He opened all the doors for me to get there...even paid for the trip!  When I was there I dreamed of Danny and in that dream I knew it was time for me to move on.  Now I have been thinking there was something wrong with me all this time because no one has asked me out.  I mean no one!  I was beginning to get a complex, but I also thought, God was protecting me.  He didn't want me to go through heartbreak after heartbreak because my heart is right out there.  Wide open and vulnerable, ready to love but yet afraid to.  So when I came back from Hawaii, Michael asked me out.  And since I knew God said its time, I figured what the hay.  It would be fun.  That first date included church.  We decided we would take it very slow.  So by the end of the first week we moved from taking it slow to setting a wedding date.  I know its sudden and fast and probably a little crazy but when God gives you a second chance at love its hard not to grasp it and run away.  It was almost like God was saying OK you did what I asked, you waited patiently and now its time.  I can hear him in my head saying hurry up what are you waiting for! He said its OK!  There is a lot of adjusting to do.  He has never been married.  His Dad died when he was 13.  He has taken care of his Mom until 6 years ago when she died.  So it is his turn, just like it is mine, to live.  I have not laughed as much as I have laughed in.....Oh I can't even remember....but it feels good.  We will live at  my house...I doubt I will send out individual invitations but I will put one on the blog.  August 1, 2015 2pm at our church at Meadow Grove!  I hope you all can come.  I would like to know of about how many just for food preparations.  I would never be where I am today without the love and support and prayers you have given me and the kids.  This is hard for them so please continue to lift those prayers up.  Life is not an easy road and sometimes the harder it is the better it gets.  To have a love like me and Danny had is nothing short of a miracle from God in todays world where everything is treated as disposable...even relationships.  But God is merciful and kind and by the Grace of God He is giving me that love again.  My heart is big enough for both.  I love you guys and please welcome Michael to our family...by the way...he loves to cook!  He will fit right in.

Trish

It looks so clean over there! The rock sure looks volcanic!

From our room. The water is soooo blue!  We are on the 18th floor and the sight is amazing!  But boy is it

Expensive.  Breakfast with our room does NOT include eggs!  We pay extra for those! And the car rental? O my gosh!  We

Rented the car BUT if you wanna drive it...10$ more... And to park it AT our hotel...another 37$....a day!  

Hawaii here I come!

Frozen

Frozen

Wintertime.  It’s depressing.  It’s cold.  It’s inconvenient.  It’s expensive.  Expenses like your heat bill, increased gas bill because you start your car early and let it run every chance you get.  Snow tires, snow boots, snow coats…bundle and layer, everything!  I enjoy winter for about 1 week and thats it.  I’m done with it.  I look out on a winters evening at 5pm and darkness is all I see.  The only thing I think of is, SPRING has got to be there around the corner somewhere!  Dead flowers, dead trees just waiting to bloom underneath that snow and ice.  Yesterday evening as I left work the roads were crunchy underneath the tires.  The roads looked very slick, but I didn’t slip a tire all the way home.  Under all the crunchy as my tires dug into the snow on the road I could see where the salt trucks had been out to do their job.  And it worked.  My first inclination was to hurry home so I didn’t get stuck in the muck of winter.  But to my surprise it was more like an adventure.  I actually got to stop and visit with 3 friends and neighbors before I reached my final destination.

2 Corinthians 7:1(NIV)

7 Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

Sometimes I think our spiritual walk is like an adventure.  Just like my drive home.  We are all sinful creatures, born that way!  Jesus makes it so easy to clean up our streets, He sprinkles our sinful paths with cinders called “the Bible”.  He gives us scripture for everything that we go through.  All we have to do is call upon his name.

Romans 10:9(NIV)

9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

As I travel my journey, walk my walk, side by side with Jesus holding my hand I have encountered many roadblocks.  Sometimes I can easily re route but then there are those times I have to stand and fight.  I have to stay in the battle.  I have to face my giants.  Many times those giants are physical but other times they are in my own mind.  Either way they are real to me.  Giants are like fear.  Fear is real!  What scares one may not scare someone else but that doesn’t make it any less.  

1 Samuel 17:47N(NIV)

47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.

Discouragement is one of the biggest giants I face.  In a broken sinful world it is so easy to become discouraged.   We are always looking out for number 1.  Advertisements are geared to keep everything centered on “me”.  It’s all about “me”!  We forget to check on our neighbor.  Instead we sit at home and wonder why no one is checking on me!  Extend a hand when you can.  Offer a smile even when you don’t feel like it.  It will make your day brighter.

Psalm 16:9(NKJV)

9 

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;

My flesh also will rest in hope.

In our many adventures of life whether they be small evening trips trying to get home from work or maybe it’s the bigger adventures of life that God has entrusted us with.  Perhaps a chronic illness, death of a loved one, a special needs child, divorce, there are so many paths that we travel and God uses each one of us as we journey.  We have the opportunity to tell others how he remains faithful to us during our lowest and during the darkest hours!  Our God today is the same God who kept his promises to Sarah and Abraham.

Hebrews 11:11 (NKJV)

11 By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised.

He has given us so many promises down through the ages.  Promises we have seen come to pass.  I can't write about Gods promises to me without this scripture.

Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I think of so many broken dreams He has, is, and will restore, and that’s just for me.  And what He will do for me…He will do for you.  He is no respecter of persons.  We are all his children.  I long for the day when I can sit at his feet and look upon his face.  To see his eyes.  There are so many pictures of Jesus but it’s always the eyes that captivate me.  To see the love in those eyes, just for me.  It’s hard to imagine, because I feel so unworthy.  I never do enough to measure up.  Always messing up.  But just as I was reminded this morning in our sermon, it’s all about grace.  Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord…Genesis 6:8

There it is with the eyes again.  Maybe that’s what I long to see.  Grace.  Mercy.  Love.  All of that when He looks at me.  Promises.  He delights in keeping his promises to us.  God is faithful.

1 John 1:9(NIV)

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I was reminded today, after finding a letter tucked in the pages of my journal, that when we look into the eyes of a 5 year old we can see Jesus.  Jesus is also there in a friends tears as they grieve; a friends smile as they deal with pain every day; He is there in your ordinary day as strangers offer you a helping hand, as friends offer you a hug to help the hurt.

Lamentations 5:21 (NIV)

21 

Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return;

    renew our days as of old

Psalm 118:6(NIV)

6 

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

As we muddle through life it is hard to keep our eyes on Jesus!  Sometimes I feel like that storm is raging and I am walking on the water just like Peter, and I , just for an instant, take my eyes off of Him.  Thats all it takes.  I sink deep, deeper until I can’t find my way.  I always feel like as I am walking there is a force against me.  Trying to suck me in and under.  Sometimes it wins.  That’s how I feel.  Tired.  I am tired of fighting the force.  My body is tired.  My mind is tired.  I’m tired of the physical demons that invade my life on a daily basis.  I know that Jesus is there, I know he holds my todays, my tomorrows and I can look back on my life and say yes, he even had my yesterdays.  But that doesn’t change anything.  I have been running away for so long always trying to stay ahead, even if by just one step, but I slowed down, took my eyes off of the prize and now I find myself lost unable to dig my way out.  I feel like I am at the bottom of all this snow we have and there is 3 foot on top and more predicted.

Psalm 16:11(NIV)

11 

You make known to me the path of life;

    you will fill me with joy in your presence,

    with eternal pleasures at your right hand

I don’t even put out my hand for someone to grab.  I don’t try to climb out of the pit I find myself in.  I just become numb to all of my surroundings and slowly but surely I freeze.  At first it’s painful and then the longer I stay there the more frozen I become.  And as I freeze, I begin to go numb.  The tears no longer come.  I no longer feel.  At first it feels good, almost a relief.  But it’s hard to show compassion when you are numb yourself.  When you no longer feel, it is hard to feel for another.  And while I enjoy the pain being relieved I begin to miss the tears.  I miss the warmth of them as they slid down my face.  I miss the salty flavor as they ran in my mouth.  I miss the release my heart felt the minute my eyes would overflow.  Life is a vicious cycle.  We are born, we live, we laugh, we cry, we love, we die…and we do it over and over again.  But right now I am stuck just like an instant replay only it is in slow motion and I feel like I die over and over and over again.  I am not living, not laughing, not even crying…I still love….Always love.

Psalm 130:5 (NIV)

5 

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,

    and in his word I put my hope.

And yes, I wait…sometimes not so patiently.

Psalm 37:7(NIV)

7 

Be still before the Lord

    and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

I have tried to cut myself off from everyone and everything while I am “still” but that just makes me depressed.  Thankfully I have friends that care not only about me but FOR me!

Philippians 2:4 (NIV)

4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Friends are like the fist that breaks through the ice to reach in and take my hand.  They try to pull me upwards out of the icy tomb that I have made for myself but it is hard to hold on to!

Psalm 28:7 (NIV)

7 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

    and with my song I praise him.

That strength is the only thing that will pull me out.  I have had it in my grasp and have felt the warmth of His love and oh how I long to feel that again.

Psalm 67:1 (NIV)

1 

May God be gracious to us and bless us

    and make his face shine on us

When I am in his presence I can feel all the chains fall away.  The chains of depression, of illness, grief, pain, disappointment; all the hurts of this life.  I can feel them melt away as I gaze upon the face of Jesus.  When I shut my eyes and say the name of Jesus I can see His eyes.  The same eyes that looked at Peter after he denied him for the 3rd time.  I am sure those eyes were filled with compassion, forgiveness, and love.  The same way He looks at you and me.  Never judgmental.  Always gentle.

Psalm 143:8(NIV)

8 

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

    for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

    for to you I entrust my life.

As I walked today, the sun shining on my face. I prayed.  The same prayer I have prayed many times.  Give me a heart like yours Lord!  And as I look around at all the snow drifts piled high I see they are melting, very slowly, but they are smaller.  It’s the same way in my heart.  As I pray that prayer, I start to feel a little of that thaw take place inside of me.  I can feel a little of that anxiety ebb away ever so slowly, just like the trickling of water at the bottom of those snow piles.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10(NIV)

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I was talking with a friend and as I complained of the darkness I was in, he reminded me that without darkness there could be no light.  Without our dark moments, our weaknesses, God cannot do His greatest work, for that is when He is strong.  Do I like being depressed?  No!  Nor do I like being weak!  But until you have been so down that there is no where else to go, you can’t know what an amazing feeling it is to be lifted up by the Great I Am. To feel your heavenly father who has been walking by your side and holding your hand, lift you up and carry you…it is the greatest feeling.  That is the feeling that I long for.  To feel the comfort and love that only He gives.  He never promised it would be easy, he never promised we wouldn’t have trials; but what he did promise is that He would be there to love us through it.  Walk with us, lead our steps and yes carry us if needed.  He has done that for me and when we are on that mountain top we tend to forget until we are back in that valley.  But I am reminded today to keep shining that light that sometimes is so hard to do in the dark. 

Isaiah 60:1(NIV)

60 

“Arise, shine, for your light has come,

    and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.

We have to rise up, no matter what darkness we are in.  Whether we are in a pit alone with our own demons or if we are surrounded by friends or even strangers.  When we are there in the darkness all of our problems are right there with us.  Not until we let the light of Jesus in can we begin to feel any relief.  Sometimes it’s even hard to let go of them.  We hold on to them as tight as we can.  They have shaped us, made us who we are.  Maybe they even act as a crutch.  We have blamed our life and the way it has turned out on our problems, whether we like it or not.  So when Jesus starts to shine and we feel our problems slip from our grasp it’s hard sometimes to not grab them back because then what do we blame our mess ups on?

Job 12:22 (NIV)

22 

He reveals the deep things of darkness

    and brings utter darkness into the light.

I need to let that light in and I need to let it shine over me, through me, inside of me.  It’s like sunshine on a rainy day.

Proverbs 4:18 (NIV)

18 

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun,

    shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

For me, for you, for anyone who has ever been down, depressed, sad, sick, grieved; it doesn’t matter what…it’s the WHO!  Tonight as I struggled and felt lost and even alone I slipped away.  I wanted to find that quiet place where I could be in the presence of Jesus.  Just us!  And there I was,  I didn’t know what to pray or what to say but it didn’t matter.  When I said his name and raise my hand to reach for him I knew He not only took my hand, He had it all along.  I just had to speak his name.  He wants to give us that PEACE we so crave.  That love we so desire and that hope of tomorrow where all our troubles and trials are washed away, there is only Jesus.  We will be healed of all our diseases our body and mind will be made whole.

Jeremiah 33:6 (NIV)

6 “‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.

I still have so far to go.  Every day is a struggle.  But I know who holds my tomorrows, and yes, sometimes I need reminded.  Life isn’t easy, but is it worth it?  You bet it is!  The treasures God has given us while we are here; family, friends, relationships, these are all gifts from God.

Luke 1:37(NKJV)

37 For with God nothing will be impossible.”

During our darkest times as we stumble through life, which in my case means many days I want to stay in bed with the cover over my head, we have to remember there are those on the other side of those covers that love us.  They worry about us and care what happens to us.  I thank God I have friends that will pester me to come out of my shell when I want to be a hermit.  I hope that I can be that same kind of friend, loving caring and a nuisance when I need to be.  Remember this, when you are withdrawing from society and retreating into your own shell, when you are ready to crawl into that hole and you get ready to pull the hole in after you…remember to take Jesus there with you.  Because I guarantee you there is a purpose for your depression.  There is purpose for your grief, your sadness, your pain. God not only has a purpose He has a plan.  And it is perfect.  So in the midst of your darkness wherever you are in it, smile just once…just a little.  And I know the light of Jesus Christ will shine through all of your brokenness and cracks that you and I try to hide.  Those rays of light will be your greatest blessing to someone else.  Let God melt the frozen, flavor the bitter and most of all let him shine in your darkness.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(NKJV)

Everything Has Its Time

3 

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

2 

A time to be born,

    And a time to die;

A time to plant,

    And a time to pluck what is planted;

3 

A time to kill,

    And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

    And a time to build up;

4 

A time to weep,

    And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

    And a time to dance;

5 

A time to cast away stones,

    And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

    And a time to refrain from embracing;

6 

A time to gain,

    And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

    And a time to throw away;

7 

A time to tear,

    And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

    And a time to speak;

8 

A time to love,

    And a time to hate;

A time of war,

    And a time of peace.