HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!

Familiar

Familiar

I have asked this question many times.  When you pray do you expect an answer?  Do you act surprised when you get what you ask for?  I am neither surprised that He is answering my prayer or that He is giving me what I asked!  But I guess I am surprised that it is coming so quickly.  I asked to “feel” Danny’s presence, which I did.  Christmas Day!  But as God so often does, He goes beyond that!  Beyond what we could imagine.

Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

As I write these words, I am searching for answers.  I don’t know what the answer is but I am hoping by the time I finish writing this, there will be a revelation.

When Teresa and Steve found Danny's bible it brought back so many memories.  But not only memories!  If I let my imagination take me to a little boy about 11 years old who just had open heart surgery and was facing the scariest thing he had ever known, I imagine all kinds of things.  I see him holding that bible in his hands and reading the same passages that I read.  Wondering, God, why did you save my life when there are so many others?  What could you do with this life of a little boy?

Proverbs 3:6  Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take

I imagine he read and re-read this verse while trying to find the will of God for his life.  Danny’s faith often sustained me and carried me over many hurdles.  Not until these last 2 years have I had to find my own faith.  I don’t like how I got here, but the view is wonderful, seeing all he had done for me and is doing and I know his promises for me, so I know He holds my future in His hands.  I am sure Danny must’ve read my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11, many times as he searched this little bible looking for the answers.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans not to harm you but for a hope and a future

As I fingered the pages, the same pages Danny fingered, I searched each page for answers.  And there nestled snugly in between the verses are marks upon the pages.  Marks that highlight scripture that was special to him.  Words that answered his questions.  Words that spoke to his heart perhaps 40 years ago in answer to his questions are now highlighted to answer my questions.  God, what are you trying to tell me?  What is Danny trying to tell me?

Romans 1:11  For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you

Luke 2:40  And the child grew and became strong, filled with wisdom and the favor of God was upon him.

As God gives me words to write, they come at the oddest of times.  Sometimes it is only a sentence at a time.  Often only a word!  And they may be days apart.  So a note that starts one day may end a couple weeks later.  Today as I write, it just so happens that I am at church; just came to talk to Jesus.   I can talk to him anywhere but sometimes I can hear him better there.  I am trying to listen with my ears, my eyes, my soul.  This morning after I woke up I began to pray and as I did I felt a presence in my room.  It was such a strong feeling that I opened my eyes to see if it was one of the kids.  I don’t know how to describe it but it wasn’t a physical thing that I could see.  After I was sure it wasn’t “somebody” I resumed my prayers and it was gone when I finished praying.  I don’t believe it was an angel…I believe it was Danny.  I have felt and “seen” his presence once before.  That time I was grieving and nothing could comfort me…but that did.  I haven’t had an experience since then like that.  This morning it wasn’t to comfort it was a familiar presence.  Yet it was a comfortable presence.  Almost like I had invited a friend over for tea.  A friend that felt at home enough to come on in and sit on the edge of the bed.  Danny was a perfectionist.  If you have seen any of his woodworking projects you know he pays attention to details.  He doesn’t cut corners, or he didn’t, I guess I should say.  So I am a little confused but not surprised by what I write next.  When I saw him this morning, he had a 6’ level with him.   A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of sharing some of his beloved tools with a friend who takes as much pride in his work as Danny did.  While he was going through my garage, hanging above the garage door was a 6’ level.  To my knowledge I never saw him use that.  Tanner who was there as well, said the same thing. So this was an easy item to part with.  No matter what he was hanging or building, he made sure it was square and level.  He not only had one of these kind of tools but multiple ones.  So in my mind, and my heart, if he comes to visit me why would it surprise me if he brought a level?  No surprise but confusion.  And once again I am trying to put these pieces together to get an answer. So here I sit at the foot of the cross, literally I sit at the foot of the cross at my church trying to figure this out.  I ask God what does this mean?  So back to that little bible that Danny held in his hands and I have opened it and here is the verse that speaks to me.  

Proverbs 147:3  He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds

My, O my, how many times I have read that not only for me, but also quoted it to friends that have lost loved ones.

Proverbs 9:1a Wisdom hath builded her house.

And to build a house you would use a level!  As I search his bible, scriptures are popping out at me as if I can hear Danny say them!  I know the level has meaning but what?  I opened the pages as if God was guiding my hand.  It fell upon this scripture. As I read it I thought this is it.  It speaks of weights and measures.

Leviticus 19:35-36 (KJV)

35 Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.

36 Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the Lord your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.

But then as I scanned the page this verse caught my attention because as I described that presence as being familiar, this verse was speaking of familiar spirits.  

Leviticus 19:31(KJV)

31 Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God.

Isaiah 8:19 (KJV)

19 And when they shall say unto you, Seek unto them that have familiar spirits, and unto wizards that peep, and that mutter: should not a people seek unto their God? for the living to the dead?

As I read, it led me from verse to verse about those familiar spirits.  I won’t lie, the more I read, it made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.  I was at church and my phone was dead so I came home and do what I always do when I need an answer, besides pray and read the bible, I googled it.  And there on google were 2,720,000 pages devoted to familiar spirits.  As I read and re-read each page they all confirmed what I knew in my gut.  Right there in Merriam-Webster dictionary; familiar spirit is a demon that serves or prompts an individual.

I don’t want to bring Danny back, don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him, but not here in this broken world, where people hurt people, neighbors killing neighbors, brothers hating brothers.  I want us to be together in Heaven and one day that will happen.  So if I can occasionally feel his presence here on earth just to help guide my footsteps is that wrong?  Well the longer and more I read that last statement, Danny guide my footsteps, I knew I was turning to the wrong one.  Truth be known and this is anyone that knows me, I never listened to Danny while he was here on earth.  He would tell me something and I would do the exact opposite.  I tend to believe I inherited that from the Treadway's but Daddy always said we were hard headed like Mommy!  I would take that as a compliment!  Hard headed for Jesus, that would make a good bracelet!  I know I need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide my life.  But there is something that feels right when 2 people have a vision in life not only for your path but for your children's path.  So when one is taken and the other is left its’s easy to lose your way.  So I often ask myself, if Danny were here what would he say.  What would he do in this situation.  And that is exactly what I have done up until Christmas. As time has passed I pull out my memories and pictures and there is a part of me that is afraid I am going to forget him.  I am afraid I will forget his touch, his smile, his smell, his eyes, his wisdom, his spirit.  So I guess around Christmas I changed my thoughts asking what would he do or say to I want to hear from him to help me make these decisions, instead of turning it over to God.

How many believe the devil is real?  I have seen evil.  I have felt evil.  When I did, I knew it for what it was and I removed myself.  I can’t say that I have ever felt in danger from this.  I was trying to remember sermons I have heard as a child growing up.   Sermons like repent or die and go to hell.  Well I didn’t want to go to hell so I was scared to death and went right away to that altar.  Then later the sermons are all about Gods love.  He loves you no matter what you do.  He is always there for you and He IS!  Don’t get me wrong both types of sermons are great.  But somewhere along the way I have missed sermons about the devil and his little demons that are as real as the Holy Spirit.  And if you have never experienced the Holy Spirit all I can say is I’m sorry.  Unfortunately you have never until you experience something so devastating that you have no one to turn to except for Jesus.  Then my friend, you won’t let that spirit go.  You will call upon Him for every decision, even wardrobe issues!

The one thing that nagged me about this whole presence thing is that I felt confused.  Yes it felt familiar, comfortable even,like Danny but as I prayed about this I felt one thing, confusion.  I didn’t feel peace, again, familiar and comfortable, but no peace…just confusion.

1 Corinthians 14:33King James Version (KJV)

33 For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

When I opened my eyes and “saw” this presence in my bedroom it startled me at first then, the best way to describe it, is it was almost sneaking.  Only then, after I saw the familiar tool did it feel comfortable.

In my walk with Jesus, my christian walk, it has been very uneventful, well up until the last 2 years.  37 years I have walked…and He has walked with me.  In the beginning it was like any relationship; fresh, new, exciting.  Then as I got busy with life, marriage, work, children, I began to do Him just like we as humans do each other.  I took Him for granted.  Never called upon Him unless I needed something.   Not that I am proud of it, but truthful.  And just like our human relationships, we didn’t grow together.  He never left me, we just didn’t walk as close.  Danny was always there for me; my comforter, my advisor, my best friend, my rock and my strength, my protector, he was my heart.  But Jesus walked with us, it’s just that I rarely had to call upon Him in that capacity.   And as I hold his bible in my hands, that same bible that he held in his not once but twice as he faced death not knowing what God had planned for him, I know where he had to get his strength.  Jesus was his comforter, his rock and strength, his best friend, his advisor.  In all of our life together I remember him telling me so many details of his life, illnesses, surgeries  but I don’t remember him ever telling me what it was like in his darkest hour.  How alone he must’ve felt and how he had no one to turn to but God.   He was always very independent.  Always worked things out by himself or rather he worked it out with God before he ever brought it to me.  I would draw my strength from him and he was getting his from God, his strong tower!  The same as when I went to Mommy with problems.  She drew her strength from Jesus I drew my strength from her.  For the last 2 years I have been learning a whole new way of life, in every aspect.  From ordinary day to day tasks to trying to figure out my faith and relationship with Christ.  The things that the Holy Spirit wants to show us all amazes me every time.  If you are a born again christian then all you have to do is believe and have faith and he will show you great and wondrous things.

Ephesians 3:9(KJV)

9 And to make all men see what is the fellowship of the mystery, which from the beginning of the world hath been hid in God, who created all things by Jesus Christ:

Mystery.  I don’t even know how to define that word.  But in Danny's bible this verse is marked.

Life is mysterious.  Death is mysterious.  Something about the unknown that attracts the interest of others.  Is that why so many “dabble” in the dark arts or witchcraft?  So many think of it as innocent or not real.  But I am here to tell you, Saturday morning as I saw that presence and then later that night when I realized what it was, I was never so afraid.  It wasn’t a physical fear but a deep soul searching fear.  I was more afraid right then than I was the day I discovered someone had broken into my home.  I am sure had I been there and looked them in the face I would have seen evil.  But this was evil in its raw form, “seeking whom he may devour, wandering to and fro”.

1 Peter 5:8(KJV)

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Instead of a roaring lion it reminded me of a sneak attack, skulking around hoping to not get caught. Anything in our lives that is sinful you will notice you try to sneak around and do it.  You hide it.  Thats because it is of the devil. Trust me if God gives you something it will be good and perfect and you will want to shout it from the roof tops.  Just look at when a new baby comes into the world.  That is the greatest little miracle I can think of and everyone wants to tell of Gods great gift to them.  They point out every little perfect detail, even down to the fingers and toes.  From the moment that miracle in conceived, that precious baby is perfect.  Even if on the outside we may  perceive imperfections, God has plans for every little finger, every little toe, every little hair…God created you and me for a purpose!  Sometimes that purpose isn’t so obvious to us.  Others can see our purpose more easily than we can.  “Stuff” gets in our way, our vision becomes cloudy, the road we thought was perfect for us, maybe we even thought it was Gods plan for us, that road becomes blocked or becomes hard to travel, so we often cry out in despair.

Psalm 22:1(KJV)

22 My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?

He never forsakes us.  Never.  I opened Danny's little bible today at random  and as I look at the scripture it fell upon I am reminded that nothing is random with God.  Just like us, everything has a purpose.  

Psalm 23(KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

The 23rd Psalm is the scripture that brings my memories alive today.  I am sure Danny thought the road he traveled had meaning and purpose, but at times he must’ve questioned it although I never knew it if he did.  I do know he became weary.  The Thursday night he climbed into bed before he died on Friday, was one of those times.  He rarely told me he was afraid, but this night he was afraid and the fear came from his inability to recall that scripture.  He told me he couldn’t remember how to start it and it was his comfort scripture.  He was walking in the valley of the shadow of death and he was there in those shadows and he needed to know that God was there with him.  I started it and he joined me saying the words and I could see the peace that came across his face.  So I know he doesn’t forsake us.  As I remember that night now, his fear left him, he had to sit up in bed to breathe, but he slept.  He was comforted.  

Hebrews 9:27 (KJV)

27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:

He is there in our every moments!  Moments we don’t think He cares or moments that don’t seem like they have purpose.  But they do!  Our weak moments, our scared moments, our sad moments, our happy moments.  We breathe in and out, in and out, God is there.  The Holy Spirit is with us even when we are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  For no matter what evil shadows us, we are always in the shadow of our Heavenly Father.  Sometimes, like on Saturday night, as I wrote about the evil I have no doubt was sneaking around; I was sitting in the the shadow of the cross.  The only way I know to get rid of shadows is to add light.  Jesus is that light.  He is the brightest light any of us have.  It doesn’t have a battery, no solar panel, no plug in to power.  All you have to do is call upon Him and He is there.

Matthew 5:14 (KJV)

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

We kind of run on a generator type source of power.  We are fueled by Jesus Christ.  That Holy Spirit fills us up til we run over lighting up the world one good deed at a time.  No matter what the devil throws at us, we can overcome it.  The devil may come at us disguised as a friend, maybe even someone in your congregation, or perhaps a little more recognizable in the face of your enemy.  He may throw up roadblocks along your christian walk.  He will stop at nothing to throw(steer) you off course; drugs, alcohol, lies, deceit, addictions, anything to take your eyes off of christ, sometimes it only takes a whisper.  Or maybe like me, he will take your fondest memory of the one you loved the most and distort everything until you know and feel nothing but confusion.  Just because something feels or looks familiar, comfortable, doesn't mean it is right.  The one thing I have learned, I guess my revelation, in all this encounter is to pray about it, search out the bible for the answers.   Go to God first and foremost for the answers.  Don’t ask your best friend, don’t ask your spouse, dead or alive, don’t even ask your pastor or deacon.  Go to God in prayer, take your confusion, your questions, your dreams; He will give you the answers!  Just like He guided my hands on the pages of Danny’s little bible, He will answer all your questions.  Let Him be your “familiar”!

Hebrews 4:12 (KJV)

12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

The Word is alive!

Happy new year!

http://youtu.be/sC3RFTfG39E

Just wanted to share!

Presence

I did the countdown like everyone else.  First it was weeks til Christmas, then it was Fridays til christmas, then finally we started counting down days.  On Christmas Eve I thought, Thank God, it is almost here!  I am never so happy to see a holiday come just so it can go! 

 As I sat at candlelight service I prayed to just feel His presence.  That’s all I wanted for Christmas!  I get caught up in just surviving this time of year.  I try to get through all the “merriness”, all the festivities, the food, the gifts; that I forget to just sit back and let it pass me by and enjoy the simplicity of Christmas!  The manger, the children, the love, the generosity, the familiar traditions, and warmth; warmth of fireplaces, warmth of homes shared, warmth of peoples hearts.  Sometimes at Christmas this is the only time we may see them.  If I am too busy wallowing in my own sad story I may miss that small window of opportunity to share the story of Jesus with someone. 

 The countdown finally hit the hour.  Christmas was here.  I don’t know what I expected to happen.  I guess I thought magically after it came it would all be back to normal.  I dreaded the day but it began to shape up with our new traditions.  Seems we are following Emily and Zac around the state.  So this year we made our way to Charleston, which I have to say was way better than Morgantown!  Kids cooked potato soup and cornbread, we listened to tacky Christmas carols, watched Home Alone 2(one of our Christmas favorites) and opened gifts.  We made our way out and about the city taking pictures.  I was still waiting to “feel” Christmas!  

We entered the NICU at Women's and Children's hospital to visit baby Cooper Bailes and his parents.  As I felt his little fingers wrap around mine, that is when I felt Christmas.  I could feel determination, perseverance, “grit”, Christmas magic, hope, love…I could feel Jesus, just the same as if He had come down from Heaven and wrapped his fingers around mine; all right there in little Coopers grasp. Only 6 weeks old and 4lbs and he had already been through so much-premature by 10 weeks, multiple surgeries- and yet here he is helping me find Christmas!

Psalm 145:9 (NIV)

9 

The Lord is good to all;

    he has compassion on all he has made.

 At candlelight as I prayed for Gods presence I also asked to “feel” Danny's presence.  He was so much a part of my birthday, with the flowers, candy and jewelry, I just wanted a little glimpse of him now.  There are only 3 things that I actually wanted at Christmas, well not really Christmas, but I just wanted. 

 1) A family picture for my wall.  A friend not only took it, but had it made and delivered!  2) Tina and I were shopping at the mall a couple weeks before Christmas and I saw several pictures on canvas of churches but they were quite expensive.  So I asked her to take a picture of that little white church at Green Sulphur, Lick Creek Baptist Church.  But I wanted it when it snowed because they have lights that shine in the windows!  Not a tough order for a photographer, we just had to wait for the snow.  I didn’t tell anyone else, no need, she had this, just wait for the snow.  Week of Christmas and we are exchanging gifts at work.  Dr. Martin and I were exchanging gifts and as I pull out the gift I know he had to wonder about the expression on my face.  There on the canvas is a little white church…in the snow…and on the side was a switch…it lit up candles in the windows of the church! So I asked him, “did God tell you to get that for me?” and he says, “I think He did!”  3) So I was doing the Walmart thing one evening with Tina and as we passed down the aisle with kitchen utensils I admired silverware and glasses!  Not just any silverware but the polished kind, yes I know I am warped, but just go with it!  I was still using the silverware Danny’s aunt had gotten us for a wedding gift 30 years ago and it had seen many hard knocks.  And my dishwasher had ruined my set of glasses I had. I admired it and told Tina I was going to buy that…after Christmas.  We had Christmas for the Treadway’s this past weekend and here comes Emily with a gift bag and guess what was inside.  My flatware!  But not just any flatware, it was polished, just like I wanted.  And my glasses…Tanner had them wrapped and we packed them to Charleston and back again.  I know I didn’t tell THEM my Christmas list for eating utensils and drinking glasses!  So it would seem that God once again had given me my hearts desires! 

 But I was still waiting for that one thing,  Danny!  I am always waiting on that one thing!  So when we got to Steve and Teresa’s for our annual Christmas dinner, here comes Tanner with a Bible in his hand.  He said look at this bible Teresa found in Grandpa’s desk.  Now remember, Grandpa has been dead almost 5 years now!  5 years!!  I know Teresa has had multiple times to find this bible.  Inside the front cover was the inscription;

Thank God for what He has done for you Danny…July 25, 1974

the year he had his 1st heart surgery…signed Pastor Leroy Crane.

I don’t remember how that bible ended up there but I know it ended up in my hand at this time because I needed to “feel” Danny’s presence this Christmas!  I just love how my God takes care of the little details of my life and he not only supplies my needs but even the desires of my heart!

Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

4 

Take delight in the Lord,

    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

In my heart are many desires; some spoken, some unspoken, but I know in Gods time, these desires will become reality…Gods time.

Matthew 22:37 (NIV)

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

Romans 5:5 (NIV)

5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Treadways 2015

   

Merry Christmas from Backus Mountain!

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas everyone!

One Day...I pray

I see the store windows all lit up with trees and garland, christmas balls and artificial snow.  I hear the Christmas music as I browse around in all the stores.  The temperatures are cold and yes there is even snow.  There are Christmas cards in my mailbox.  There are Christmas cookies in my kitchen.  There are even a few Christmas presents waiting to be wrapped.  On Sunday mornings we have lit the Advent candle for 3 weeks now.  We have even sang some Christmas carols.  I have seen an occasional Santa and an elf or two at the mall.  If I turn on the TV I can find a Christmas movie on about any channel.  When I went to the grocery store this week, I could barely find what I needed because all the aisles were over loaded with Christmas items to bake, make or create!  So why can’t I find Christmas?  It sounds as if there should be no problem right?  Well I see it and I hear it everywhere but…I don’t feel it.  And trust me I am trying really really hard.  I definitely don’t feel it in the shopping mall.  Anyone and everyone that works in retail are over worked so they don’t have any extra cheer or Christmas spirit to spare!  Even in the work place,, there is so much drama always going on in peoples own lives there is not much Christmas spirit.  I am rarely home, by the time I put in my 10 hour work day, there is definitely no time for Christmas cheer.  No time to decorate a tree and no desire.  So I begin to wonder if it’s just me or is it the way of the world? 

Am I becoming the Grinch or Scrooge?  And you know what really troubles me is that I can’t even feel Christmas in church.  I just can’t feel…maybe that’s my problem.  What am I expecting to feel?  Maybe I am expecting too much?  I don’t know, but I don’t think I can expect anything less than this!

When I am shopping I expect to feel the smiles and kindness from those that are working and yes even from those other fellow shoppers.  When they say excuse me I expect them to mean it and not run over me as they pass by with no regard to anyone.  I expect to feel that special magical christmas love that appears every year during the holiday season otherwise known as the love of Jesus.  Thats what I am missing.  It has been rare that I have felt that this year from anyone anywhere.  We have all become so busy with life, the hustle and bustle, the commercialism of Christmas has replaced the simplicity of Christmas.

Psalm 147:3(KJV)

3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

Where have the days gone when all we cared about was sitting by the tree with someone you loved, sharing a memory, a piece of pie, cup of coffee, warmth of a fire.  There are no more large family dinners where we all can meet, eat and greet without cell phones.  What has happened to face to face conversations?  As much as I am attached to my phone, even I recognize this.  And, yes, I have to admit, I miss those days.  Most of all what I miss is the love I could feel when I walked in mommy and daddys house.  Maybe thats why I can’t feel Christmas anymore.  When mommy and daddy died that is when Christmas began to die for me and now without Danny…that was the clincher.  I don’t feel…or when I do feel it is sadness, regret, despair and tears, always lots of tears.  Don’t get me wrong, feeling is better than being numb and not feeling.  But I am so ready to “feel” Christmas! 

 I am finding more and more that there are more people like me that aren’t “feeling Christmas” than there are actually as happy as they appear.  So many have lost loved ones and they are always remembered at Christmas time.  The most wonderful time of the year!  I don’t think so!  It has become the busiest yet emptiest holiday for me.  And church used to be my safe haven.  Now I can’t even “feel” Christmas there.  I know Jesus is there and I hear Him talking to me.  He tells me to Be Still get quiet and listen to what he has to tell me.  Well I have turned off the radio in the car when I drive just so I can hear him.  I have turned off the music at night when I go to bed, just so I can hear him.  I have turned it off almost completely when I walk; that was hard because I like my music!  I can’t say I have heard him extra, but I have heard him talking to me.  He talks but not necessarily what I want to hear!  So do I turn the music back on?  Is that what we do when we don’t like the answers to our prayers, we turn him off, just like the radio.  Or I guess we just turn everything else back on in order to turn Him off.  I think I will leave the music off because I would like to see where He is leading me.  Where do these avenues go?  I’m sure I don’t know but He is telling me!

Hebrews 11:1(KJV)

11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

What is your reason for celebrating Christmas this year?  Is it to hide the elf on the shelf?  Is it to DVR every Christmas Hallmark movie?  Maybe it’s to get your family together to eat turkey and watch The Christmas Story?  Maybe it’s to make sure everything happens at just the right moment at church.  Children's plays, choir cantatas, parties, Santa, dinners; because after all isn’t it all about the socialization?  I have never been surrounded by so many people and felt so alone.

John 14:1-3 (KJV)

14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

I can imagine in that big house with all those rooms, I won’t even feel lonely there.  That place will be so filled with his presence that lonely won’t even be a word there.

Psalm 25:16-17 (ESV)

16 

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

    for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 

The troubles of my heart are enlarged;

    bring me out of my distresses.

I think, as I look for Christmas I have to look within my own heart.  Deep inside it locked away are Christmas memories from when I was probably 10.  I remember sneaking under the tree in the wee hours of the morning with Steve and unwrapping gifts and wrapping them back!  It wasn’t much, one year a toboggan and scarf, but it was the thrill of unwrapping it.  Then as  I got older my memories are of family being together, big dinners, lots of love from mommy and daddy.  Such wonderful aromas that floated through that house.  And mommy would always greet you with a smile and a hug.  Always.

Even deeper locked away are my memories, my married memories.  Danny's favorite time was Christmas.  I never really had to do much because he enjoyed it so.  I remember Emily’s first Christmas, she was 6 months old.  She laid under the tree and he was determined that I would wrap every present for her.  So on Christmas morning there we were again under the tree, unwrapping every present for her.  One year as the kids were older he planned a scavenger hunt for their gifts.  They had to search for  every one.  But I like to keep those memories locked away.  They are happy memories and when I bring them out, they make me sad.

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

3 

You will keep in perfect peace

    all who trust in you,

    all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

My prayer is that I can keep that memory, his legacy, alive.  Keep it happy.  I pray that I don’t dwell on my sadness or the huge hole it has left in my heart and my life.

Romans 15:13 (NLT)

13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Deeper still inside my heart is all the love I have stored up that has been given to me.  From mommy and daddy and all of my family, from Danny- and thats a huge storage- from my kids, my church family and then from the most loving Heavenly Father anyone could ask!  He loves me no matter what I do!  Oh how he loves!

Psalm 103:3-5 (MSG)

3-5 

He forgives your sins—every one.

    He heals your diseases—every one.

    He redeems you from hell—saves your life!

    He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.

    He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.

    He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence

As I attempt to celebrate Christmas, I go through a lot of motions because that is what is expected of me.  I also go through a lot of emotions.  But there are some motions I just don’t do anymore.  I don’t do christmas cards just for the sake of sending christmas cards.  I do try to reach out to my friends and family and an occasional stranger.  But until you have sat down and tried to write out at least 100 cards and put everyones name there except the one you love the most, you will never understand.  I wish I could write a card without that empty feeling…one day I pray…one day.  I don’t put up a tree.  I enjoy everyone else's tree, but mine is tucked away in the garage with all the ornaments…and memories.  One day though…I pray…one day.  I don’t really do a lot of gifts…that was Danny's joy!  If I have something to give you, trust me, I won’t wait til Christmas!

What I do enjoy at Christmas is going to candlelight service.  That is my favorite service of the year.  Its dark, quiet and…well it’s just beautiful.  There are no expectations just reflection.  No performance, just meditation.  No gifts to deliver just His presence to be thankful for.  Of course I enjoy time with my family but I enjoy that every time we are together, not just at Christmas time.  I enjoy the magic spirit that comes down at Christmas time, but at the same time it saddens me as I wonder why can’t people have that same spirit the whole year through.  

The simple spirit that lets one friend buy another friend a Coke just because.  Or how a stranger gave me her ink pen just because I told her how I liked it…it wrote so smooth!  These little random acts can mean the difference between someone having a terrible horrible rotten day or someone having a ray of hope shine on them.  As I went about my day amidst all the craziness of shoppers everywhere, I was reminded by these little acts of love that all hope is not lost.  That people still do care about one another.  That even with all the commercialism, folks are still sharing the love of Christ.

As I delivered fruit baskets from the church to the shut in and elderly, I was once again reminded how Jesus loves us, all of us.  As I sat and shared stories with many, they each have their own trial; Their own set of tears that we shared.  As I entered each home, I wondered would this be their last?  So many so frail, some have seen so many Christmas’!  Many just here waiting to be reunited with spouses, children, parents, the list goes on and on.  The way my heart aches at times I can’t imagine how some of them feel.  But He gives us the promise of life eternal.  One day to be reunited.  If we can only trust him to do what we know he will do!  And that’s what is best for us.  Sometimes it’s so hard to just wait.   And to be still…

Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

My Christmas Wish, my prayer, for you is to find your Christmas and feel it with all your heart and soul.  But after you find it I pray that you will share it with your neighbor, your family, the stranger down the street, everyone you meet.  Don’t tuck it away when you take down your tree.  Don’t hide it away in the garage with your memories like I do.  Because Christmas is all in the heart, that’s where it starts.  Thats where Jesus lives and we have to share His love all year.  As I search  for my Christmas, I am praying for each of you.  You won’t get a Christmas card and probably no Christmas present from me, but be sure you will have prayers said on your behalf at Christmas and all year long.  I pray for your health, I pray for peace in your homes, I pray that you experience the laughter of a child at least once as it has magic in it!  No matter what you are going through, the laughter of a child is like balm to a sore.

Remember as you celebrate Christmas, Jesus came to earth as a baby and was a child with that same magical laughter.  Laugh with someone this Christmas no matter your circumstances.  I plan on making new memories and lots of laughter.  although I am sure the tears will come, they won’t stay.  And that is how it should be.  Remember the ones we loved and lost with a few tears and lots of laughter.

Isaiah 9:6(KJV)

6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas!

Please say a prayer for little Colton, my nephew!  Broken arm trying to get his sippy cup!  Nana, Teresa Fugate Treadway, is taking good care of him!

Christmas/New years family gathering

We are going to be having our family gathering on Saturday January the 3rd around 1:00.  Bring your favorite dish and drink of your choice.  Hope to see everyone here on the 3rd.  Love and God bless

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time…we have all started a story like this at one time or another.  When I was a kid I used to listen to my mom tell me stories that began like this.  Thinking back at these stories I am sure she made them up as she told them.  Why?  Because I did the same thing with my kids.  Sometimes I started with one fairy tale and ended with another.  But they all started with once upon a time.  Even now when I have little ones one of my biggest blessings is to tell a story.  It is often a fairy tale with once upon a time and always ends with a happily ever after…always happily ever after.  In the middle of the fairy  tale there is something to overcome, whether it be a monster or just a bad day.  And yes there is always a princess or a prince.  After Danny died, the fairy tale took on a whole new meaning.  Every day I thought of my fairy tale that once was…Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have children, they are blessed by God but the happily ever after?  Where is that?  I kind of gave up on a fairy tales for a while…there was no happily ever after.  Or at least thats what I thought.

2 Corinthians 5:

17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 

I did not have my happily ever, because I am still here.  But Danny did get his.  None of us know what we will have to go through by the time our happily ever after arrives.  But Danny was so ready for his.  He told me on Wednesday before he died on Friday he was ready to go home, he was so tired.  So as we wait, there is all this in between.  Is it happy in between or is it depressing sadness we endure until we get our happily ever after?  I am asking because I want to know, from the experienced griever!

Jeremiah 33:3  Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

Why does God allow us to suffer?  And more importantly, why does God allow those we love to suffer?  We watch them struggle, often knowing there is no hope…No hope for tomorrow, no hope for healing of our earthly body.  But I am reminded every day that my hope is in the Lord.  He will put an end to all of our suffering.  Our ultimate healing will be when we are done with this old body and we are in the presence of Jesus!   Sometimes I get so home sick to go already.  I can remember my Mom talking about getting homesick to go to heaven.  When she would talk about it she would have tears in her eyes and a hope in her voice that I did not understand.  I often thought she had to be a little crazy to want to die and go to Heaven.  But after Mommy and Daddy died and then Danny…I find myself with that same longing in my voice, my heart and those same tears.  And I really don’t care how I get there.  I don’t care what I have to go through either.  But watching those you love go…thats a different story.  But I had to remind myself as each one that I loved went that road and journey…I had to remind myself what was waiting for them and when I did I could find myself longing for it.  The last week of daddy’s life he was bed bound and didn’t respond much except to pain.  The last 2 hours I sat by his bedside and he did not respond except to breathe.  As each breath became more shallow he slipped closer and closer to heavens gates. He began to get cold, his earthly body.  His skin began to mottle…he was just going through the motions to leave earth and enter Heaven.  After he began his final breathing I held his hand and I know he didn’t know I was there, he was cold.  But in that last moment of his life here on earth a single tear slipped down from his eyes.  I know in my heart that is the moment he met the master.  Within seconds his breathing stopped and he was gone.

2 Corinthians 5:6-8

6 Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord:

7 (For we walk by faith, not by sight:)

8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

I didn’t have the pleasure to walk with Mommy her final steps but my sisters did so I know she was in good hands.  Mommy was ready to go home the day daddy died.  You don’t live with and love someone for 70 years and then just let them go.  Danny and I didn’t even have half that time and I still wonder how to do it some days. But Mommy had that hope and promise that she would see Daddy and her loved ones again.  That kept her going.  I imagine her last days were filled with so much excitement of seeing everyone that was waiting on her she just kinda forgot about us here.  Dementia had stolen her mind but deep inside I know she was there.  Occasionally we could see her.  One day I visited and I said do you know who I am?  And with that big smile that reached to the heart she said, “well I don’t know which one you are but you are one of mine!”   That’s all I needed; that was enough.  But just imagine when we get to Heaven Jesus is going to know each one of us, our names, every hurt we have ever had, every tear we ever cried, shoot He even bottled them up for us.  Now I call that taking care of the particulars! 

 Since we are speaking of fairy tales.  Just imagine when we get to Heaven and we are walking the streets of gold with our Heavenly Father.  As we leisurely stroll and chit chat, we come across a cottage and we enter.  I imagine He will have to duck his head to enter in.  Maybe its a straw hut with a cottage door, looks like one room but after you enter there are miles and miles of nothing but bottled tears all labeled with our names.  Separated into groups; tears of joy, sadness, mad tears, tears cried from pain, silly tears.  I have cried them all…which ones will be mostly on my shelf?  Right now I am afraid the sad ones are winning that race.  But thats the good thing about fairy tales.  My happily ever after hasn’t happened yet.  And what about these tears I call spirit tears?  Sometimes when I pray and worship I cry, but I am not sad, not really happy, but “holy “ tears run down my cheeks.  When I don’t know what to pray or how to pray…I cry those tears and He understands every single tear drop and He is saving them in a bottle.  THATS the tears I want mostly on my shelf.  Because as long as I am spending my time with Jesus my happily ever after is guaranteed and it makes my happily in between mean so much more than just  making me happy.  Sure I want to be happy but thats just an emotion.  I want to make a difference for someone.  I want to let the light of Jesus shine through me and help somebody.  I want to help them to get past those tears of sadness and sorrow or perhaps tears of grief.  I want to help people find those tears of joy and happiness even silliness.  Because  I am finding new things every day to laugh at til I cry.  I always manage to shed those sad tears and yes still crying those tears of grief.  I have found when I can cry with someone who has been through the same thing as me it helps us both.  This week I had that opportunity and since I don’t believe in coincidences I know it was God.  One of the patients, not even mine, but that patient needed something that I could help them with and don’t you know, he told me right off that his wife passed away during the summer. Well that opened up a whole conversation.  And yes I told him where my hope was from, Jesus Christ!  His was too.  I told him as I started in my 3rd Thanksgiving without Danny it felt like the first.  There is no difference.  I talk to people who have lost loved ones and 10 years feels the same as one.  But looking in from the outside, people think its better because of time.  I smile more and cry less….well most days. 

Praise him anyway!   I am sure you all have heard that.  Maybe when you were going through your darkest hour.  If you can just learn to praise him no matter what your circumstance, it will make your circumstance so much better.  As I was growing up I can remember various trials and struggles Mommy went through and so many times right in the middle of her storm I can recall finding her in the kitchen with arms stretched high praising God.  No matter what was coming at her!  It didn’t matter, she praised God no matter what.  It reminds me of Paul and Silas when they were thrown into prison after being beaten.  Chained with what appeared no hope and what do they do?  They prayed to God and began to sing his praises.  Their chains were loosed and they were free.

Acts 16:25-26King James Version (KJV)

25 And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them.

26 And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.

I know that my God is the same today as He was for Paul and Silas.  So many times I imprison myself.  I create my own chains and often I see no hope, no chance of escape.  We all have our own prisons and sometimes they are in our own minds but they are just as real as Paul and Silas’ wounds and bleeding stripes from their flogging they received by the crowd.  If only we can raise our hands and look to the Heavens and Bless his name, our chains will fall away, everything that is keeping us imprisoned; grief, addictions, jealousy, hatred, pain- there is no limit with God.  Sing his praises and praise Him anyhow!  Sometimes when I do that I can feel the chains of bondage fall away, I feel that little spark of hope ignite and begin to burn.  There is always hope.  As the Christmas Season approaches I find myself falling into that black hole.  As hard as I try to stay out of it I slip.  I feel like Paul and Silas.  Sometimes I can feel the sting of the open wounds, still there.  I try to keep busy, Lord knows I do not have idle hands or thoughts.  How long?  I am ready!  I praise Him anyhow, everyday, no matter what comes I lift my hands.  I wish I could say that the wounds are healed, but they are not.  Will they ever be?  No I don’t think so.  Does life go on?  Yes it does.  Somedays I can honestly say the only way I get through the day is by prayer.  Memories overwhelm me and tears flow for what was and will never be again.  I still find myself wanting to share my day with him.  I often seek his approval in my life.  I wonder what would he think of the way my life is turning and twisting.  

Psalm 143:8 (NIV)

8 

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

    for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

    for to you I entrust my life.                                                                     

But since Danny can’t tell me I ask God.  The Holy Spirit has been an ever present friend and one I have come to rely on since Danny died.  I should have relied on him before but truthfully I didn’t.  When I did something I prayed about it but then usually did what I wanted to do or was going to do anyway.  Not anymore!  I can’t even get out of bed and ready for work without praying about it first.  I literally have trouble putting one foot in front of the other without guidance from above.

2 Corinthians 1:12(NIV)

12 Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, with integrity[a] and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God’s grace.

Regardless of your circumstances and how you feel, hang on to Gods unchanging character.  Gods grace is still Gods grace.  It doesn’t change.

As I search for my happily ever after I know I will get there…eventually but what I desperately want to know is the how and when!

John 10:3(NIV)

3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.

My shepherd is calling my name and I know his voice and I’m learning every day!  He is leading me where I need to go.  I just pray I don’t miss it!  This is an exciting journey, but sometimes anxiety overwhelms me from not knowing.  I let my eyes falter.  I lose sight kind of like Peter when he walked on the water.  I know what I have to do but I’m human and humans forget so remind me!  Simple as that…remind me!  Remind me that in life the harder we try, the more opposition we meet.  Remind me that I don’t do things for me, or the church, I do them for God.  I need reminded that in the big scheme of things the BIG picture, that all these little struggles we worry and fret over?  They mean nothing.  And even on our worst day ever, there is always someone somewhere that is having it just a little worse.  On my worse day ever, Danny went to Heaven.  Its hard to even say that to make it sound bad.  That is his happily ever after, not mine.  Mine is still out there…somewhere waiting to happen.  In the meantime, I will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  I do not enjoy Christmas for what it is today; hustle and bustle, overwhelming schedules, spending money I don’t have, but I will do what I enjoy and do it where I feel the most peace, church.  I will sing in that heavenly choir, teach those young minds and hearts the true meaning of Christmas and I will try my hardest to share the love of Jesus no matter what the devil throws at me.  Because my happily ever after does not include sitting back and letting him win.  And it definitely doesn’t mean sitting down and doing nothing.  I will do what God asks me to do.  The answer is yes…No matter what He asks…the answer is yes.  That will be my happily ever after.

Isaiah 10:27 (KJV)

27 And it shall come to pass in that day, that his burden shall be taken away from off thy shoulder, and his yoke from off thy neck, and the yoke shall be destroyed because of the anointing.

2 Corinthians 7:1 (KJV)

7 Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.